Why I’ve Always Sucked At Relaxing

(and Why You Might Too)

When Relaxing Feels like Work

I’m no psychiatrist. They only spend about a decade studying brains. I’ve got over fifty years of firsthand experience trapped inside a brain that doesn’t do “off.”

So take what I have to say as one ADHD mind talking to another.

Me? I paint dots for a living. Stars, technically… and somehow, they’ve taught me more about focus and calm than any self-help book ever did.

People tell me I need to “slow down” to relax. That’s cute.

If I sit still and try to do nothing, my brain starts digging through every unfinished thought or to-do it can find.

You know that feeling when you’re tired but wired? The lights go out, and suddenly it’s dark. It’s still. But at the same time… IT’S SO LOUD!! The room is silent, but your mind won’t shut up. It starts replaying the day, rewriting conversations, making tomorrow’s to-do list. That’s not peace. That’s mental cardio.

So I stopped trying to relax the “normal” way.

1. Chaos That Calms

After a long day, my brain doesn’t want peace and quiet. It wants a fight. If I try to “unwind,” my brain just starts digging up every stupid thing I’ve ever said since 1986, or every menial task I’ve been putting off since then. So I give it something to chase instead. Action dramas, thrillers, intense shows like 24 or Top Gun Maverick. Anything with tension. If Jack and Chloe or Maverick  are out trying to save the world, my brain stops trying to fix mine.

But when the day’s done, my body’s tired, but my brain’s just getting started. It doesn’t slow down; it just shifts gears, from overdrive to overthink.

Then there’s bedtime. That’s a whole different beast.

Once the lights go out, I don’t need chaos, I need focus. Calm voices on a podcast. The gentle glow of the stars on my ceiling. Something steady enough to hold my brain’s attention but boring enough to let me slip away.

Well, that, or I’m so exhausted that I don’t even make it that far. I love the nights that I wake up sideways on the bed, drool running down my face, and only half-covered in a blanket, proud that I must have put in a solid, hard-working day the day before.

2. The Cowboy Who Finally Slept

Years ago, I painted a night-sky mural for a guy in the hills of Santa Margarita, California. It was at a big ranch in a beautiful setting. The owner of the ranch was a  guy who hadn’t slept well his whole life. After I finished, he lay on the bed staring up at the ceiling while I gathered my family for a trip to the beach.

That night, when we got back from the beach after eating fresh cod and clam chowder, his ranch hands were panicking. He’d vanished. His truck was still parked by the house, lights off, nowhere to be found. They were about to call the sheriff.

Next morning, while we were eating breakfast chuckwagon-style, here he came. Smiling. Calm. Like nothing happened. He said he’d gone back in to look at the mural again, lay down, and fell asleep. Slept straight through the night... the first time in his life.

Turns out, he had ADHD too.

That night sky gave him what he needed, something steady to hold his attention. The same way 24 calms me, and why podcasts or my own night-sky mural help to knock me out too.

Focus brings calm. Always.

3. The Science in Plain English

Science has been shouting this for years, but most people still don’t get it. ADHD brains don’t regulate dopamine or energy like everyone else’s. We’re either bored out of our skulls or running on rocket fuel. That middle zone, the one neurotypicals call “calm?” Nah, we rarely visit that place.

Even Dr. Edward Hallowell says ADHD is misnamed. It’s not a deficit at all, it’s more like “Attention Surplus Disorder.” We don’t lack focus; we just can’t always aim it where everyone else thinks we should.

It’s not that we can’t focus. It’s that our brains crave the right kind of focus, something that rewards us with tiny hits of dopamine, the brain’s version of “attaboy.” When we get that mental pat on the back, the noise fades and the chaos settles down. That’s why we hyperfocus on things we love and can’t force ourselves to do things we don’t. The wiring’s different, not broken.

So when an ADHD brain finally locks onto something, maybe an intense action drama, a smooth podcast conversation, or a soft glow of stars, it can finally relax. The heart rate slows. Thoughts quiet down. Stress drops. It’s not a trick. It’s chemistry finally doing its job.

The focus isn’t the problem. It’s the fix.

4. The Takeaway

For people like me, or that cowboy out in California, rest doesn’t mean shutting down. It means locking in.

If silence makes your mind go wild, you’re not broken. You just need a better anchor. Maybe it’s a movie that keeps your brain busy, a podcast that pulls you in, or a ceiling full of stars that gives your thoughts somewhere to land.

Find the thing that holds your focus. That’s where your calm lives. At least for some of us.

So I guess then, it turns out I’ve never really sucked at relaxing. I’d just been using the wrong techniques for the job.

Some people can power down their brains. Ours don’t work that way, and that’s fine. The same thing that keeps us restless is also what makes us sharp, curious, and quick. We don’t need to quiet our brilliance. We just need to aim it something worth focusing on.

Author’s Note

If this sounds familiar, then welcome to the club.

And if it doesn’t, chances are you know someone who can relate. Go easy on us… our minds just don’t come with an off switch.